


Excuse That I'm Ruined

by orphan_account



Category: Invader Zim
Genre: Beach Episode, Elite training days, Kind of Rough Sex, M/M, RaPr
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-10-10
Updated: 2019-10-10
Packaged: 2020-12-07 19:42:17
Rating: Explicit
Warnings: No Archive Warnings Apply
Chapters: 1
Words: 4,095
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20981321
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/orphan_account/pseuds/orphan_account
Summary: Red fully intended to get through his Elite training as ruthlessly and efficiently as possible. Purple threw a spanner in the works.





	Excuse That I'm Ruined

**Author's Note:**

> I hear we're going back to including cringey playlists with our fics now, so here's one I made for this.
> 
> Promises – Calvin Harris & Sam Smith  
Dum Dum – Kideko, Tinie Tempah & Becki G  
You’re Gonna Love This – 3OH!3  
Holiday – Dizzee Rascal  
Stolen Dance – Milky Chance
> 
> Also I love you guys.

It all started with Almighty Ex-Tallest Miyuki’s death.

Irken protocol stated that the Empire would observe ten years of mourning before officially instating the new Tallest, but their civilisation still needed a leader. And so it was that Tallest-in-Line Spork began his unofficial reign by reversing Miyuki’s decision to make the Elite Soldier class redundant.

All across the Empire, thousands of candidates were being sent to Devastis to undergo Elite training – preparation for what was rumoured to be the biggest Irken incursion the universe had ever seen.

Red was one such candidate. He hailed from a backwater outpost that had switched between Irken and Meekrobian rule several times since the Empire had first conquered it.

Despite his humble background, his fanatic ambition had driven him to rise through the ranks quickly as a Soldier. He had gone from being widely mocked for his manner of speech and lack of social graces, to being widely respected by his peers as a competent and fearsome Commander.

His instructors had given him a squadron soon after he graduated, and he had led them in a successful guerrilla campaign against the Meekrobian governor who had ruled his home world at the time. The planet had been plunged into a bloody civil war, but by the end of it all the Empire held the place in an iron grip and the Meekrob had retreated back to their home galaxy. 

Red had received a commendation for that – and more importantly, an invitation to train as an Elite. His ticket upward.

He arrived on Devastis intending to get through his Elite training as ruthlessly and efficiently as he had basic training. His peers were an unexpected mixture – mostly Soldiers like himself, a few reassigned Science Drones, and a single member of the Aristocrat class, easily distinguishable by his pale green skin and purple eyes.

As soon as his eyes met the Aristocrat’s, he knew that they weren’t going to get along. The purple-eyed Irken looked him up and down and smirked.

“You’re pretty tall… for a commoner” he said.

“And you’re pretty cocky for a noble pretty-boy” Red replied.

The other Irken’s grin widened.

“You think I’m pretty? I’m flattered” he said, extending a hand to Red. “Name’s Purple.”

“Red” he answered shortly, not taking Purple’s hand.

“AND I AM ZIM!” one of the Science Drones proclaimed, proudly.

Red looked disdainfully down at the small pink-eyed Irken who had interrupted them, and was about to say something cutting when their drill sergeant came in and immediately started berating them, and he had to snap to attention so he would make a good impression.

***

The problem with Purple was that he just wouldn’t stop talking.

Specifically, he wouldn’t stop talking to Red.

“So I heard” he said, sliding his lunch tray onto the table next to Red, who had been enjoying his meal in peace and quiet, “I heard that Zim guy? He used to work on Vort Research Station 9.”

Red swallowed his mouthful of pastry.

“So?”

“So, you know, that’s where they say Almighty Ex-Tallest Miyuki had her…” He lowered his voice to a theatrical whisper, “_accident._”

Red looked up in alarm.

“You’re not supposed to talk about that!” he hissed.

Purple laughed.

“Relax Red, the Control Brains can’t hear us in here. It’s way too noisy.”

“Still. It’s _disrespectful_.”

“You’re an interesting guy, Red. So dedicated to the cause, and so devoted to serving your leaders. And do you know what I think?”

“I don’t care what you think” Red said, gathering up his own tray and preparing to get up from the table.

“I think you’re faking it” Purple said.

Red gritted his teeth and willed himself not to punch Purple in his stupid, smug face.

“Look” he hissed, “this isn’t a game for me, alright? I’m not some noble brat like you. I actually have to _work_ to get ahead.”

“Um, is this seat free?” Trainee Skoodge asked, hovering next to the unoccupied chair opposite Red.

Purple narrowed his eyes.

“You don’t know the first thing about me, Red.”

“Why should I care? You’re nothing more than a distraction to me.”

“Hello? It’s just that there’s no other seats left and I-”

“Shut UP, Skoodge, for fuck’s sake!” Purple snapped, shoving his chair back so hard it fell to the floor with a bang.

“I was just asking-”

“You were just being annoying, as usual” Purple snapped, grabbing his tray and storming off.

“Wow. What did you say that upset him so much?” Skoodge asked, picking Purple’s chair off the floor and settling himself down.

“What? What makes you think I- never mind! I’m not going to explain myself to an inferior!” Red sputtered.

“We’re both Elites in training” Skoodge pointed out, reasonably. “And I tied with you for top marks last week.”

“Argh!” Red threw his hands up, grabbing his own tray.

He attempted to storm dramatically out of the cafeteria like Purple had done, but he wound up colliding with Trainee Sneakyonfoota on his way out and ended up on the floor of the cafeteria, with chocolate milk all over his uniform and his peers laughing at him in a way no one had since basic training.

***

The problem with Purple was that he was lazy.

They were frequently paired together in hand to hand combat, because their height would have given them an advantage over most of the other trainees.

But Purple never tried when Red was sparring against him. He would simply duck and dodge Red’s punches and kicks, not even attempting to block them. To add insult to injury, he would laugh as he did so.

“Would you just stand still and FIGHT ME” Red growled in frustration, as Purple gracefully avoided yet another jab to the sternum.

“And why should I do that?” Purple sing-songed.

“Because we’re here to train, and neither of us is going to get better if you keep dodging!”

“Maybe I don’t need to get better.”

Red laughed derisively.

“Oh, please! You can’t even throw a decent-”

WHAM.

Red blinked up at the ceiling, dazed and trying to figure out what the hell just happened.

“Did you just… throw me?”

“Who were you saying can’t fight, Red?” Purple taunted, offering a hand to haul Red up from the floor.

“That was incredible” Red breathed. “You moved so fast, I didn’t even see you! Where the hell did you learn how to do that?”

“It’s classified” Purple smirked.

Red rolled his eyes.

“Be like that, then” he sniffed. “But if you can move like _that_, how come you never try during sparring?”

Purple rolled his eyes.

“Because it’s _boring_” he said.

Red clenched his fists.

“Oh well, pardon me then. I guess we should switch partners, since I’m such a waste of your time!”

“I don’t want to spar with any of them, either. They’re an even bigger waste of my time.”

“Well if you don’t want me to find a new partner, you better put in some fucking effort in this time” Red spoke through gritted teeth, raising his fists.

***

The problem with Purple was that he was needy.

“So the thingymagummy goes… where?”

“For the third time, the scope goes _there_” Red pointed. “Sheesh, you’d think you’d never held a blaster in your life before.”

“I never needed to. Where does this go?”

“I’m not gonna do it all for you again. You have to learn how to do it yourself.”

“Just tell me where it goes, before the instructor comes over.”

Red rolled his eyes.

“Over there. You know, if you took the time to really learn your weapon, you wouldn’t be such a terrible shot.”

“But then I wouldn’t have an excuse to annoy you” Purple grinned.

“You don’t need an excuse to annoy me. You do it anyway.”

“Trainees! Stand for inspection!”

They both passed inspection with flying colours, not that Red expected otherwise. He knew his way around a gun.

Some of the other trainees weren’t so lucky. Trainee Larb was sent to run laps around the course for not assembling the blaster correctly, and Trainee Zim was given an official disciplinary warning for modifying his.

“But it works so much better now!” he protested. “Here, let me show you-”

“NO!” the instructor cried in alarm. “There is to be no modification of blasters! Now put yours back to normal, before I send you to the Academy head!”

“He’s crazy” Purple shook his head, as Zim disassembled his blaster, muttering darkly. “He’s going to get us all killed one of these days. I don’t understand why Spork allowed him to train as an Elite.”

Red grunted in agreement, but privately he was a little intrigued by Zim’s modifications. Overriding the safeties would have taken some skill.

“Alright, those of you who _are_ capable of putting a blaster together correctly, follow me! Let’s see how you go on the firing range today. Maybe you’ll actually hit something this time, Trainee Purple.”

Red supressed a smirk at that.

“Trainees Red, Skoodge and Tenn, I already know you can shoot. I want to see how you do with something a little more challenging.”

Tenn smiled, gripping her blaster a little more tightly.

“Yes, M’am!” she said.

Red glanced over at her, considering. She was the best shot on the team aside from him, potentially even better on a good day. Maybe he should arrange for her to have a little ‘accident’.

“Trainee Purple! Stop closing your eyes every time you pull the trigger!”

Then again, maybe a little competition might do him some good.

***

The problem with Purple was that he was touchy.

Not in the sense that he was easily offended (although he was), but in the sense that he was always _touching_ Red.

A casual slap on the back after Red said something that made Purple laugh. Dragging Red around the base by the arm. Nudging Red’s foot under the cafeteria table with his own when Zim said something particularly idiotic.

Resting his head on Red’s shoulder when the two of them watched old movies together during freeshift.

Red could never decide if it meant anything.

***

The problem with Purple was that he was jealous.

He pouted when Red spoke to any of the other Trainees. He sulked when Red went to the firing range with Tenn during freeshift.

And he fumed when Red teamed up with Zim for a combat drill and the two of them had completely obliterated the competition.

“How could you, Red?” he demanded. “I know you cheated!”

“We exploited a loophole” Red replied calmly.

“You reprogrammed the turrets not to hit you!”

“Like I said, we exploited a loophole.”

Their instructor hadn’t been thrilled, but he had begrudgingly given them the top score. Red suspected he had been secretly impressed with their initiative.

Purple scowled.

“I don’t understand how you could pick that lunatic Zim over me.”

“We partner all the time, Purple!” Red exclaimed. “Look, for all that he’s a liability, Zim is the best engineer in our training group. I knew that if anyone could hack the turrets, it would be him.”

“You don’t get it, do you Red?” Purple snapped. “It’s not always about winning!”

“What else is there?”

“I don’t know, loyalty! Trustworthiness! _Friendship_, for fuck’s sake!”

Purple was so angry that his clenched fists were trembling.

“I don’t need friends” Red replied, coolly.

Purple’s expression twisted momentarily, and for a second he looked so pained that Red felt something in his squeedlispooch clench.

“Then you don’t need me” he said.

***

The problem with Purple was that he was an open book when it came to emotions.

Their whole training group had picked up on the awkwardness between them, which irritated Red. He didn’t need to be so obvious about it.

Because of Purple, Red kept having to field awkward questions from their nosy teammates, who apparently felt entitled to his personal business. It got him riled up every time, and then he’d go looking for Purple intending to shake some sense into him and demand he stop making their disagreement so public. But every time he saw him, Purple looked so sad that Red couldn’t bring himself to do it.

Red tried to convince himself that he wasn’t feeling guilty, that he’d done nothing to necessitate an apology. But as time went on, Red found himself missing Purple’s company despite himself, and the urge to set things right with him grew stronger and stronger.

Next week they were due to go on leave, to blow off steam before their final exams. The whole team was going to Zegema Beach for three days of hedonism and debauchery. It would be the perfect place to make up with Purple, away from all the pressures and scrutiny of Devastis.

Or so Red hoped.

***

The problem with Purple was that he was… distracting.

Red kept trying to find a good time to pull him aside so they could talk, but every time he tried, he found himself side-tracked by the undeniable allure of Purple’s body in nothing but a gaudy pair of swim shorts.

All that smooth, pale skin… and he was getting the beginnings of a sun burn on the tops of his shoulders. It was unbearably cute.

Then again, it was probably a little painful for Purple. Red frowned. Didn’t the idiot know about sun protection?

He got up and snatched a bottle of after sun lotion out of Skoodge’s hands, calling a sarcastic thanks over his shoulder when the shorter Trainee sputtered in protest.

“Hey” he said, arranging himself on the empty lounge chair next to Purple’s in what he hoped was a casual manner. 

Purple lowered his sunglasses and raised his head to look disdainfully at Red.

“What do _you_ want?” he asked rudely.

Red cleared his throat.

“Your uh, shoulders. They’re getting burned. And I brought some after sun lotion… stuff. Well technically I stole it from Skoodge, but I’m the one who brought it here. To you. For you to use.”

Fuck, he was rambling like a complete moron.

Purple just looked at him for a few seconds, his expression inscrutable. Then he shrugged his shoulders.

“Well, if it’ll make Skoodge miserable” he said.

He offered a bare shoulder to Red.

“Can you help me put it on?” he asked.

Red nearly dropped the lotion, fumbling with it embarrassingly.

“Sure” he croaked, “Yes, that’s. Yes.”

Purple hummed in contentment as Red massaged the cold lotion onto his pink shoulders.

“Crazy to think we’ll be graduating in two weeks, huh?” he asked.

“I know. I feel like the last two years went by so fast.”

“Yeah, feels like it was just the other day when we first met.”

Red cleared his throat awkwardly.

“The last two months have really dragged, though.”

“Yeah” Purple replied softly.

“Purple… listen. I realised something when you were gone. I realised that despite everything I said, there’s no point to doing it all on my own. I do need friends. I need, well. I need you.”

Purple looked at him for a long moment.

“Well then. I forgive you.”

Red felt himself grinning like a moron, but when Purple returned his smile he couldn’t bring himself to care.

“Ugh, Red. Our fellow Trainees are all so _lame_. I missed hanging out with you.”

“You and Tak seem to get along pretty well.”

“Oh, _Tak_.” Purple shuddered. “Have you _seen_ the ocular implants she got done yesterday? They’re so tacky! No pun intended.”

“I don’t know, I’ve always thought purple eyes were nice” Red replied.

“When they’re natural! Implants just scream “social climber”. And it’s a bit presumptuous to get them done before she even passes the final exams, don’t you think?”

“You are such a snob” Red laughed.

“You love it.”

“I do.”

The words escaped his mouth before he could stop them. Oh what the hell, it wasn’t like Purple didn’t already know.

“Well, we’re currently at the biggest party in the galaxy. What do you say we leave these idiots behind and go do something fun?” he asked, extending his hand to Purple.

***

The problem with Purple was that he was a lightweight.

“Ok, time to get you back to the hotel” Red said, when Purple collapsed into incoherent giggles after his third girly cocktail.

In his defence, there was some strong liquor hiding under the sweetness.

He hoisted an arm around Purple’s waist, and lifted him off the plush couch. Purple grinned up at him, his eyes glittering wickedly under the strobe lights.

“Trying to carry me off and have your wicked way with me?” he asked.

Red laughed.

“Yeah” he replied. “Now that you can’t say no.”

“I wouldn’t” Purple said. “I wouldn’t say no.”

Red looked at him for a long moment. Then he ducked his head and kissed Purple square on the mouth.

He half-expected Purple to push him off and laugh, call him gross, wipe his mouth off and smear their combined saliva on Red’s jacket – but Purple just shivered in his arms and kissed him back, hard.

When they finally broke apart, they were both breathing heavily.

“Um… wow.”

“Wow.”

“Should we-”

“Yeah, fuck, let’s-”

“- head back.”

They beat it back to the hotel with indecent haste. Red laughed nervously as Purple clutched at his waist, pulling him back into another deep kiss as they fell into the elevator.

“Your room or mine?” Red mumbled into the kiss.

“I don’t care, I don’t care, let’s just – oh, _fuck_ – hurry up already” Purple moaned.

Red fumbled with the buttons, praying he hit the right one, before grabbing Purple’s hips and hoisting him up against the wall of the elevator.

Purple wrapped his long legs around Red’s waist and nipped at one of Red’s antennae, nearly causing Red to drop him.

“Shit Purple, you can’t just-”

The elevator gave a loud DING, and the door behind them slid open to reveal a very sunburned Skoodge.

“Um, Red, you kinda took my after sun lotion earlier. I really need it back” he said, after a moment’s pause.

Purple growled in irritation.

“Skoodge, for once, just ONCE, can you learn to READ THE FUCKING ROOM BEFORE YOU SPEAK!” he snarled.

“Oh. Are you two busy?”

“_Yes_” Red said, and slammed the close door button.

Purple let his head fall against the wall behind him with a thunk.

“Great, now all our teammates are going to hear about this by tomorrow” he said.

“Do you mind?” Red asked, seriously. “Because we can go back and drown Skoodge in the hotel pool if you want.”

Purple laughed.

“I don’t mind, exactly. I don’t think many of them would be surprised anyway.”

“Probably not” Red admitted.

“But the thought of those idiots gossiping about us is a bit of a turn-off. A lot of a turn-off, actually.”

“Then don’t think about them” Red said, tilting Purple’s head so he could suck a dark bruise into his neck. “Think about _me_.”

The elevator stopped at the right floor at last, and the two of them stumbled out into the hallway.

“Where’s the stupid key thingy?” Red muttered, rummaging through his pockets

“Here” Purple said, slipping his hand into Red’s back pocket and pulling out his key card.

They finally made inside Red’s room and slammed the door shut behind them.

“Right” Red said, his voice surprisingly calm and level. “You’re gonna get on your knees, and I’m going to fuck your mouth.”

Purple smirked.

“Make me” he said, eyes narrowed.

Red shoved him down to the floor, knowing the plush carpet would be soft enough to break his fall.

“Open your mouth, Purple” he said, unbuttoning his pants so he could pull his dick out.

Purple stuck his tongue out and wrapped it around the head of his cock, teasing. He looked up at Red with half-lidded eyes.

“I said” Red said, tugging Purple’s antennae sharply, “_open your mouth_.”

“And I said, _make me_” Purple taunted.

Red backhanded him, hard.

Purple stared up at him in shock. A grin slowly spread across his face as pink blood began to trickle from his nasal cavity. He stuck his tongue out and licked it – slowly and deliberately. He looked unhinged.

“Yeah” he purred. “That’s the stuff.”

He opened his mouth obediently for Red’s cock this time, sucking it right down to the base.

“That’s good” Red groaned. “You’re a good little Aristocrat whore, aren’t you?”

Purple pulled off Red’s cock with a wet _pop_.

“You’re a lot more articulate in bed than you usually are, Red” he said.

“Shut up.”

Purple just chuckled and swallowed him down again, this time winding his tongue down the shaft and squeezing.

“_Oh_\- ok, fuck, stop, _stop_” Red hissed, pulling back before he came right then and there.

Purple made a little inarticulate noise of protest, but he sat back on his heels and looked up at Red expectantly.

“Ok, do you want to, um, move this to the bed or something?” Red asked.

“I take it back” Purple said, pulling off his shirt and tossing it on the floor, “you still can’t string a sentence together.”

“Was that a yes?”

“Red, if you don’t fuck me in the next five minutes, I’m going to tie you to the bed and ride you.”

“… That would actually be pretty ho-”

“RED. GET INSIDE ME, NOW.”

Red held his hands up in surrender.

“Ok, ok. C’mere, princess.”

He hoisted Purple up in his arms and deposited him on the massive bed. He shucked off his own clothes before leaning over Purple and trying to get his tight pants off.

“Fucking hell, Purple, are these painted on?”

“You like them though, right?” Purple said, helping him peel them off.

“I liked them better a few hours ago. Now they’re just in the way.”

Purple laughed.

“Ok, they’re off, see?”

“I do see” Red said, running a finger along Purple’s slit. “You’re dripping wet already.”

“The whole time I was sucking your cock, I was picturing you fucking me with it, so.”

Red squeezed his eyes shut.

“_Dammit_, Purple. You’re going to be the death of me.”

“Don’t die, stupid. Just fuck me.”

“Right. Ok.”

He took a deep breath and pushed inside, biting his lip to keep from moaning at how good it felt.

Purple had no such shame, of course, he closed his eyes and whined loudly as Red filled him. He was so loud, in fact, that Red was fairly sure that Slacks would be able to hear him in the next room over.

The thought probably shouldn’t have been such a turn-on, but. If people knew Red was fucking the hottest piece of ass in their training group, he couldn’t say he minded.

“Come on Red, is that all you got?” Purple gasped.

“You seem to be enjoying yourself just fine” Red replied.

Purple smiled sweetly up at him, and then raked his claws up Red’s back viciously. The stinging sensation caused Red to shove his hips forward sharply, driving a yelp from Purple.

“You little bitch” Red snarled, fucking him harder into the mattress. “That’s going to leave marks.”

“Good.”

Red bit down on Purple’s neck in response, over the same spot he had bruised earlier, leaving a slightly bloody ring of tooth marks just slightly too high to cover with an ordinary shirt.

Purple hissed in pain, but he pulled Red closer so they could kiss properly.

***

The problem with Purple, Red decided, was that he had wormed his way into Red’s heart without his noticing.

The next morning he opened his eyes and saw Purple lying on his side, watching him.

“Morning Pur” he murmured dowsily.

“Morning” Purple replied quietly.

“How long’ve you been watching me? ‘S a bit creepy, don’t you think?”

“A while. You should be used to it.”

“Mmm.”

He flung an arm around Purple’s waist and rolled over, burying his face in Purple’s shoulder.

“Don’t wanna get up yet.”

“You don’t have to” Purple said, rubbing his thumb absentmindedly over Red’s forehead, between his antennae. “We have another day of vacation.”

“Good.”

“Hey Red?”

“Mmph?” Red gave a sleepy murmur of assent.

“What do you think will happen to us after graduation?”

“We’ll go on to be awesome Elites, obviously. Win some campaigns, get command positions. It’s pretty obvious Spork is gearing up the Empire for something big, so we’ll have plenty of opportunity for glory. And then we can retire comfortably and spend the rest of our lives eating snacks.”

“You really think so?”

“Sure” Red said, closing his eyes contentedly, “what else could possibly happen?”

**Author's Note:**

> There's the bones of a darker toxic murderhusbands sequel in here with MKUltra!Purple that may or may not get written at some point


End file.
